Taurus Food Horoscope 20.4.15

Taurus Food Horoscope

The 20th of April sees the end of Aries and the start of Taurus, the bull.

The Taster provides a frank, occasionally rude, outline of Taurus’s relationship with food, cookery, hospitality and digestion. Sorry (see disclaimer below). For specific predictions, subscribe to the mag (still only £6 for four issues) – our current Spring issue reveals this season’s culinary future in no-nonsense terms for Pisces, Aries and Taurus. We hope you enjoy the below more general insights.

TAURUS: THE BULL
Chef rating: 6/10
Favourite foods: pies, treble whiskies

If you are a Bull
Well, you certainly love food. You may well be overweight. You present yourself as a gourmet but secretly have no idea what the culinarati are whittering about. At home, you can just about knock up tinned soup or a baked potato. Faced with the average taster menu, you go to pieces because there’s no chips. You can’t envisage fish without batter and even then, it’s fish – eurgh – there might be a vitamin crying to itself in there somewhere, better have a pie instead. Never, ever waste your money on innovative dining experiences – you won’t appreciate them and you’ll ruin the meal for everyone else by droning on about chips. Your spiritual home is Yorkshire and your taste is as boring as its  Puddings. Fatty.

If you know a Bull
Although they make a song and dance about food, don’t bother making anything special for a Bull. They will only peer at it suspiciously, poke it with a fork and hate it before they’ve even tried it. Stick to the hog-whimperingly obvious – meat and two veg on schooldays; soup, steak and icecream for a treat. A cheap Chablis or Malbec will make their day – if it doesn’t taste that great, they won’t notice; but they will enjoy bragging about the fine label and relishing the frugality. If they cook for you, be ready to diet the next day.

Horrorscopes disclaimer

We’ll be building up our tough-talking horrorscope series throughout 2015. Click here for Aquarius, Pisces or Aries, and come back to us in future for other star signs. Check back on 21 May for a discussion of Gemini in the kitchen.

Taurus Food Horoscope

Aries Food Horoscope 21.3.15

Horrorscopes 04 Aries

21 March sees the end of Pisces and the start of Aries, the Ram.

The Taster provides a frank, occasionally rude, outline of Aries’s relationship with food, cookery, hospitality and digestion. Sorry (see disclaimer below). For specific predictions, subscribe to the mag (still only £6 for four issues) – our current Spring issue reveals this season’s culinary future in no-nonsense terms for Pisces, Aries and Taurus. We hope you enjoy the below insights.

ARIES: THE RAM
Chef rating: 2/10 to 8/10 depending on whether the fire engines arrive in time
Favourite foods: steak tartare

If you are a Ram
Cooking is not something Rams are immediately drawn to, but it is actually an excellent hobby for you, if you can submit to the tedium of prepping and the oppression of having to follow a recipe. Plus, it’s a solitary occupation – great news for your browbeaten family and friends. If you can channel what you think of as your extreme creativity and sensitivity into your cooking, you will make an intelligent chef.

If you know a Ram
For God’s sake keep them well fed and watered. Hunger can transform Rams’ habitual low-grade levels of rattiness to actual psychosis. Think of feeding a bad-tempered child – go for colourful, varied, exciting foodstuffs, such as bright-coloured fruits, juicy rare meat, hot spices and exotica. Rams will try anything if it looks thrilling. Ensure plenty of snacks are available at all times, but nothing dangerous. Unsoaked lentils, kidney beans, yams etc are no-nos – your typical Ram is quite capable of poisoning themselves through not bothering to read the labels. And whatever you do, if a Ram is cooking, don’t offer advice (or, as they see it, interference) – not even when they start loading tin cans into the microwave. In their case, being a fire sign means the kitchen WILL explode at some point; just stay the hell out of it.

Horrorscopes disclaimer

We’ll be building up our tough-talking horrorscope series throughout 2015. Click here for Aquarius and Pisces and come back to us in future for other star signs. Check back on 20 April for a discussion of Taurus in the kitchen.

Aries Food Horoscope