The 20th of April sees the end of Aries and the start of Taurus, the bull.
The Taster provides a frank, occasionally rude, outline of Taurus’s relationship with food, cookery, hospitality and digestion. Sorry (see disclaimer below). For specific predictions, subscribe to the mag (still only £6 for four issues) – our current Spring issue reveals this season’s culinary future in no-nonsense terms for Pisces, Aries and Taurus. We hope you enjoy the below more general insights.
TAURUS: THE BULL
Chef rating: 6/10
Favourite foods: pies, treble whiskies
If you are a Bull
Well, you certainly love food. You may well be overweight. You present yourself as a gourmet but secretly have no idea what the culinarati are whittering about. At home, you can just about knock up tinned soup or a baked potato. Faced with the average taster menu, you go to pieces because there’s no chips. You can’t envisage fish without batter and even then, it’s fish – eurgh – there might be a vitamin crying to itself in there somewhere, better have a pie instead. Never, ever waste your money on innovative dining experiences – you won’t appreciate them and you’ll ruin the meal for everyone else by droning on about chips. Your spiritual home is Yorkshire and your taste is as boring as its Puddings. Fatty.
If you know a Bull
Although they make a song and dance about food, don’t bother making anything special for a Bull. They will only peer at it suspiciously, poke it with a fork and hate it before they’ve even tried it. Stick to the hog-whimperingly obvious – meat and two veg on schooldays; soup, steak and icecream for a treat. A cheap Chablis or Malbec will make their day – if it doesn’t taste that great, they won’t notice; but they will enjoy bragging about the fine label and relishing the frugality. If they cook for you, be ready to diet the next day.
We’ll be building up our tough-talking horrorscope series throughout 2015. Click here for Aquarius, Pisces or Aries, and come back to us in future for other star signs. Check back on 21 May for a discussion of Gemini in the kitchen.
Taurus Food Horoscope
21 March sees the end of Pisces and the start of Aries, the Ram.
The Taster provides a frank, occasionally rude, outline of Aries’s relationship with food, cookery, hospitality and digestion. Sorry (see disclaimer below). For specific predictions, subscribe to the mag (still only £6 for four issues) – our current Spring issue reveals this season’s culinary future in no-nonsense terms for Pisces, Aries and Taurus. We hope you enjoy the below insights.
ARIES: THE RAM
Chef rating: 2/10 to 8/10 depending on whether the fire engines arrive in time
Favourite foods: steak tartare
If you are a Ram
Cooking is not something Rams are immediately drawn to, but it is actually an excellent hobby for you, if you can submit to the tedium of prepping and the oppression of having to follow a recipe. Plus, it’s a solitary occupation – great news for your browbeaten family and friends. If you can channel what you think of as your extreme creativity and sensitivity into your cooking, you will make an intelligent chef.
If you know a Ram
For God’s sake keep them well fed and watered. Hunger can transform Rams’ habitual low-grade levels of rattiness to actual psychosis. Think of feeding a bad-tempered child – go for colourful, varied, exciting foodstuffs, such as bright-coloured fruits, juicy rare meat, hot spices and exotica. Rams will try anything if it looks thrilling. Ensure plenty of snacks are available at all times, but nothing dangerous. Unsoaked lentils, kidney beans, yams etc are no-nos – your typical Ram is quite capable of poisoning themselves through not bothering to read the labels. And whatever you do, if a Ram is cooking, don’t offer advice (or, as they see it, interference) – not even when they start loading tin cans into the microwave. In their case, being a fire sign means the kitchen WILL explode at some point; just stay the hell out of it.
We’ll be building up our tough-talking horrorscope series throughout 2015. Click here for Aquarius and Pisces and come back to us in future for other star signs. Check back on 20 April for a discussion of Taurus in the kitchen.
Aries Food Horoscope
The 19th of February sees the end of Aquarius and the start of Pisces, the Fish.
The Taster provides a frank, occasionally rude, outline of Pisces’s relationship with food, cookery, hospitality and digestion. Sorry (see disclaimer below). For specific predictions, subscribe to the mag (still only £6 for four issues) – our upcoming Spring issue will reveal this spring’s culinary future in no-nonsense terms for Pisces, Aries and Taurus. We hope you enjoy the below insights.
PISCES: THE FISH
Chef rating: 8/10 (higher if the plates appear to have been washed)
Favourite foods: fish
If you are a Fish
You are a great cook, creative and sociable. You use romantic meals for seduction, and are always willing to host family feasts. You would do well to wash your hands before cooking, however, and wipe down the chopping board after gutting that chicken – cleanliness and hygiene are not your strong points. You may also want to tidy the kitchen up a bit, or make sure none of your guests see it. And for God’s sake, get a timer. You are disorganised, so avoid soufflés or risotto – go for slow-braised dishes that don’t mind being forgotten in the oven for an extra hour or two. Resist other people telling you what to eat. It’s not a crime to dislike walnuts.
If you know a Fish
Fish can bring out the worst in you. But, God, they’re so wet, aren’t they? That’s water signs for you. Floundering around like a damp haddock, constantly running out of vital ingredients or forgetting to put them on the shopping list in the first place. And then bursting into soggy tears. It’s a good job they’re so nice, or you’d be having words. They are the star sign most likely to leave the bloody gas on or accidentally give everyone salmonellosis. Oh, well. Grit your teeth and order more antibacterial cloths; it could be worse. People certainly do keep coming back for more, despite the occasional stomach pump.
Check back on 21 March for a discussion of Aries in the kitchen.
We’ll be building up our tough-talking horrorscope series throughout 2015. As it’s only the start of the year we only have one more to date: click here for Aquarius and come back to us in future for all the other star signs
The 20th of January sees the end of Capricorn and the start of Aquarius, the Jug.
AQUARIUS: THE JUG
20 January—18 February
Chef rating: 4/10 (higher for fans of food chemistry & physics)
Favourite foods: created by 3D printer and/or cooled with liquid nitrogen
If you are a Jug
You have a certain scientific interest in food but no emotional attachment (a bit like your human relationships). Your capacity for research, combined with your creativity, would make you a good chef, if only you cared — but you don’t. If you do end up in a kitchen, you are the star sign most likely to Go Heston. You are a good eater, willing for the sake of scientific investigation to try new things and clean your plate, but it is very much to gain knowledge rather than any deep love of eating. Accept that other star signs like long mealtimes and boring foodstuffs. It’s not all bad – you can use the time to study their socialising patterns.
If you know a Jug
Jugs are as loony about food as they are about everything else. Basically you are Watson to their demented Sherlock. If you let them in the kitchen, prepare for some startling creations. Force some nutrients into them by insisting on a daily eating routine, but vary the dishes — remember that curiosity will lead them to try most new things. NB If you go camping with a Jug, ensure you are the one packing supplies. The average Jug would work out how many calories everyone needs and bring along the requisite allowance of Kendal mint cake. And nothing else. And be genuinely puzzled and hurt by the reaction.
Click here for discussions of Aries and Pisces in the kitchen. Check back on April 20, when we’ll be covering Taurus.